Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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