i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
