You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Randomize
