highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
