NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
