It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
