Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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