He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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