Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
