i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
