Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
