i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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