three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
