he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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