just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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