We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
