True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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