Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
