i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
