I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I look better un-naked...
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
