i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
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my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize