I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I love you.
Bad choice
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
