I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
