based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
