I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
