how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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