her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
