quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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