Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
