My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She's the barista slut.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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