you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
