OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
