i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
