I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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