it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
