I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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