I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
