Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
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Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
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I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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