im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
