i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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