Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my sisters under your porch take her home
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
