I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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