I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
