So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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