I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
