I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
