I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
