the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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