new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
