Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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