she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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