I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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