I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
