Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
