I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
