you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
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I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
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why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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