guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
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